


Try To Understand

by chchchchcherrybomb



Series: The Desperate Type [10]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Drabble, Evan is fine and Connor is not and it is a bad day all around, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide Attempt, The Desperate Type, connor's pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-16 13:54:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11830104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chchchchcherrybomb/pseuds/chchchchcherrybomb
Summary: This anniversary was the big one. The one he wouldn’t be able to brush aside. It wasn't the first or the last time; it wasn’t even the closest he had come to actually dying. But it was the big one, the one that hung around like a persistent shadow. It was the tipping point. For him and for Evan.Connor knew that Evan was pissed off at him for being a dick the day before, but he couldn’t be that angry, could he? He wouldn’t do something stupid just because he was angry, right? Connor was the one who did that kind of stuff. Connor did the stupid things and Evan visited him in the hospital after.Right?Connor checked his phone again.Nothing.----Connor's POV drabble, set during Epilogue Part 4.





	Try To Understand

**Author's Note:**

> The Desperate Type Universe, set during epilogue part 4.
> 
> "So don’t take this the wrong way, this is nothing like the past  
> I’m fine and I am okay with the fact that this can’t last  
> But I’ll try to fix my problems, sorry I was so afraid  
> What could’ve been, should’ve been, oh, what a mess I’ve made…"  
> -"Try To Understand," AW

He hadn’t heard from Evan all day.

They’d fought yesterday, which was stupid, he was so stupid, what an idiotic thing to get angry about. Of course Zoe would be concerned; of course she’d tell Evan and not him. He was an idiot, a complete moron, it all made total sense why couldn’t he have just not freaked out like some kind of normal person?

Connor restarted his phone.

Just to be certain.

In a moment of total desperation, two hours into his shift at the library, Connor texted Jared to see if he had heard from Evan at all.

“Lol no, why?” Was Kleinman’s reply.

Connor frowned at the text, trying to find a way to phrase the response that wouldn’t send Jared into a total spin out where he called Heidi and then Evan got dragged home from college because he was apparently not doing well at all and Connor knew it was idiotic but he didn’t want to be responsible for that.

Connor chewed at the corner of his thumb nail, frowning, attention so far from the stack of books he was meant to be reshelving.

The twenty four hour mark had came and gone, and Connor was freaking the fuck out. They hadn’t gone twenty four hours without at least texting since…

Since last year, on this date.

The time had already passed. Uneventfully, which had surprised Connor just a little. It wasn’t that he thought hitting the one year mark on a suicide attempt would make him find the closest sharp thing to stab into his throat. He had so many attempts that it was hard to keep track of the anniversaries these days.

But this one was the hardest one, in his mind.

He could have killed them both.

He could have taken the best person he knew straight out of the world and at the time he’d come up with that brilliant plan, the thought of killing himself with someone seemed just. Fine. Not even that weird or bad when compared to everything else happening in his fucking head.

This anniversary was the big one. The one he wouldn’t be able to brush aside. It wasn't the first or the last time; it wasn’t even the closest he had come to actually dying. But it was the big one, the one that hung around like a persistent shadow. It was the tipping point. For him and for Evan.

Connor knew that Evan was pissed off at him for being a dick the day before, but he couldn’t be _that_ angry, could he? He wouldn’t do something stupid just because he was angry, right? Connor was the one who did that kind of stuff. Connor did the stupid things and Evan visited him in the hospital after.

Right?

Connor checked his phone again.

Nothing.

_Fuck._

Despite his very strict policy of not engaging in Evan’s weird fetish for librarians, Connor snapped a selfie between the stacks, smiling stupidly, and captioning it “I’m sorry I was an ass yesterday, will you please text me?”

Two hours passed. No response. Connor had picked practically all of the nail polish off of his fingers while he sat behind the desk at the front of the library.

Connor got off of work at eight o’clock.

If he hadn’t heard from Evan by eight, he could call him.

He never called because the phone made him feel like a total moron, but he would swallow his pride and his stupidity because he just needed to know that Evan was okay.

When he clocked off for the night and there was still no answer from Evan, Connor found himself staring at the blank screen of his phone, his hands cold and shaking.

He stepped outside, pulling on his jacket, and as he crossed the parking lot to his car, he dialed Evan’s number. “Pick up pick up pick up…” He muttered as the call connected.

It went right to voicemail.

“Fuck.”

Connor got into his car, his heart pounding in his ears, and he gripped the steering wheel tightly, watching as his knuckles turned white. He tried Evan’s phone again.

Voicemail again.

His heart gave a tight squeeze in his chest.

He felt dizzy, his head swam, his hands clutched desperately at the steering wheel to steady himself, because Connor wasn’t in the parking lot anymore, he was pulled over on the side of the road, he was ignoring his phone ringing and ringing and ringing.

Connor pulled in a deep breath, then breathed out through his nose.

His vision swam for a second but then it refocused.

He was in the parking lot. At work. At school.

Connor put his keys in the ignition and headed out of the lot, turning toward the interstate and away from his parents’ house.

His mind was totally blank. With fear, with denial, a slick nothing. He unearthed a pack of cigarettes from the glove box and smoked and smoked and smoked as five miles became ten became twenty became fifty and then he was pulled over into the parking lot of Evan’s dorm.

Connor stepped out of the car, and paced in front of it, feeling idiotic and stupid and freaked out because now that he was there… now that he was there he knew that there was no fucking way to get inside to check on Evan… He was stupid, he was a moron, he was the biggest idiot and he had wasted so much time and he…

Connor stopped. Blinked.

Pulled out his phone, suddenly remembering that the last time he had made this drive, Evan’s roommate Tom had insisted that they trade numbers before going out of eighteen plus night at a gay bar nearby.

His fingers shaking shaking shaking, Connor pressed CALL.

“Hello?”

“Hi um… Tom?” Connor heard his voice say, tight, unfamilar. “I’m sorry, this is probably super weird but is… is Evan in your room?”

“Um, yeah, he’s passed out… hang on, I can nudge him-”

“No, no, it’s totally fine, I just-”

“Connor come on, what’s up?”

“It’s stupid, just… I haven’t heard from Evan all day and I was starting to worry that he was like dead or something it’s stupid….”

“Dude, no worries. I’ll wake him up, okay, hang on.”

“Shit, no, it’s… could you just ask him to call me when he wakes up?”

“Yeah man, no problem.”

Connor hung up, leaning back against his car, his hands and legs shaking too hard to hold himself up. He pulled the door open weakly, collapsing into the driver’s seat sideways, putting his head in his hands. He was alive.

Alive. Evan was alive.

And then a second later, his phone was buzzing. Tom’s number. Connor accepted the call, putting the phone to his ear, saying, “Hello-”

“HeyI’msosorryIhadabaddayandmyphonedied-”

“Evan?”

“Yeah. Tom lent me his phone,” Evan’s voice answered. “I just… Bad day. I-I went straight to sleep when I got back.”

“Oh. Okay. I’m glad you’re alright.” Connor could hear that his voice was too high, too tightly wound, too obvious, giving away all of his worry.

“Are you…? You sound. Weird.”

Connor let out a humorless laugh. “Well that is because I _completely_ overreacted and I’m basically outside your dorm like a total creep…” He stopped, raking a shaking hand through his hair. “But since I know you’re fine I will just go home…”

“No!” Evan said. “One second.” Connor could hear mumbling on the other side of the line. “Go park, Connor. I’ll meet you outside in five minutes.”

“If you’re sure…? I didn’t mean to freak out, it’s just that we.. had that _fight_ yesterday…I just got worried that something had happened.”

“It’s fine. Really. I’ll be right down.”

“Okay.”

“Love you, bye.”

“Love you, bye.”

Connor stared at his phone as the screen went dark. His hands were still shaking. Evan was okay, he was okay, he was okay. He tried to take a deep breath, tried to make his hands stop shaking, but it was all too much. He was about fifteen seconds from a total meltdown.

He got out of the car, locked the doors, and started tapping out a text to Zoe to explain where the hell he was before she got worried.

Tom was friendly and chatty, winking when he mentioned that he wouldn’t be home that night. Normally Connor might have been amused and excited by the prospect of a night alone in Evan’s dorm room, but frankly sex was so far from his thoughts.

“I am _so_ sorry. I just didn’t even think about charging my phone when I got home.”

“Evan.” Connor tried to interrupted him, trying to quiet the anxious onslaught of words.

“I didn’t mean to worry you it’s just that I had a really terrible day and I’m so sorry-”

And then it clicked for Connor.

Evan wasn’t keeping track of the dates.

Evan didn’t remember… He didn’t know. He thought Connor got scared because they’d had a fight, he thought Connor was worried that he was angry with him… “ _Evan_. It’s fine. It’s just… today’s date. I. I got scared .”

“Today’s date?” Evan said, his face twisting in confusion. Confirming the sudden dread that had welled up inside Connor.

Evan was fine.

Evan was totally and completely _fine_.

Utterly unphased.

He’d forgotten that today was today and his bad day was just a regular old bad day.

Connor held his phone up to Evan, clicking it to reveal the date. He watched as realization dawned on Evan’s face, as his nervous smile morphed into genuine fear and understanding, and…

Connor hated it.

He hated that he was the one bringing it up again. He was the one forcing it into the conversation.

Evan hadn’t even fucking remembered, and it had been eating at Connor all day.

“Oh, fuck, I am so sorry,” Evan grabbed Connor’s hand tightly. A little too tightly.  “I didn’t even realize… You probably wanted to talk today, and I was just dicking around because I woke up late…”

“Evan. It’s fine. I just… I got scared when I didn’t hear back from you all day.” He was downplaying this so hard he doubted that Evan would believe him. He just. He hated himself for even mentioning this, _why did he have to be so fucking stupid?_  Connor bit his lip, trying to make a joke, “I even sent a fucking picture of me at work because I was hoping to get a reaction.”

“Oh god,” Evan said, and then he giggled, making a joke about saving the picture as his phone background.

Connor laughed hollowly.  “Are you okay? You said… you said you had a...bad day?” He was so fucking awful, he knew this, because he was really searching, really hoping that Evan’s day had been terrible like his had been terrible. He half hoped Evan had been anxious and scared and worried about how last year Connor had nearly jumped off of a fucking water tower, how last year they both ended up hospitalized because they couldn’t trust themselves not to die, how last year was so bad and this year was better but not that much better.

“I… yeah,” Evan said, looking a bit sheepish. “Woke up late, one of my exams was harder than I expected, my phone died, and my therapist cancelled on me.”

Connor felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. Evan was just. He was just. Fine. Totally fucking fine. “That sucks.”

“I’m so sorry I scared you.” He sounded sorry too.

“It’s fine, I overreacted, I just-”

Evan grabbed him then, hugging so tightly. “It’s fine. Stop apologizing. Really.”

“Okay.” Because what else could he say?

“Are you okay?” Evan asked. “With today being… today?”

Connor shrugged.  “I guess…. I guess probably not since I fucking drove here like a lunatic.” Understatement of the goddamn millenium.

“Will you be okay?” Evan sounded almost like he was about to _laugh._ Like this was funny somehow. Like this had been some huge farcical misunderstanding you could solve with a fucking laugh track.

Connor stupidly felt like for a second there he might just lose it, just break down crying there in the goddamn parking lot. Instead he nodded. “I think so. Yeah. I’ll… I’ll be okay.”

“Want to go up to my room?”

Evan was looking at him, this fucking sad look on his face, and Connor felt as if he had turned his back for a moment and someone had slammed a window shut in between them. A nice window, with crystal clear views, but soundproof and solid. Separating them, silencing their attempts to talk, all just gestures and waves.

He’d just fucking lied to Evan.

He never lied to Evan. Not anymore.

Connor smiled, but it felt forced. He didn’t know if Evan noticed. “Sure.” He’d go up to Evan’s room. He could unmake the lie.

He’d just have to be fine.

Right?

Connor kept trying to swallow down the hollowness that had risen inside of him as they retreated into Evan’s room. They spent the night wrapped up under blankets, talking about their respective terrible days. They turned on the television for background noise, a thing that Connor knew Evan found soothing. He got lost in the blue light and the crackle of static when the connection wasn’t the strongest. Evan held onto him, onto his hand, his fingers tracing the pattern of Connor’s tattoo over his skin, feather light. Most days Connor loved this, being like this, just being together, a sort of refuge from the thunderstorm that was his brain and heart.  Today,  Connor wasn’t really there. He was watching from across the room, watching himself try and fail to be normal for the boy that he loved.

It was stupid, Connor thought, when eventually Evan turned out the light and cuddled up beside him on the futon, but it felt as if he had lost something especially precious.  Evan had always been the most understanding, the one who just understood… As Evan’s breathing evened out against Connor’s skin, reality seemed to grab Connor by the throat, and he nearly choked there in the dark.

Evan was better now.

Not just marginally.

Not just coping.

Not just improving.

He was genuinely doing so well now that he hadn’t even thought about the anniversary of the day they ended up hospitalized. The day he’d had to save Connor, the day it all came out into the open.

Evan was _better_ now.

Evan didn’t…

He didn’t get it anymore…

It was idiotic but the same kind of hollow feeling that Connor had come to associate with middle school loneliness overwhelmed him in that moment. He was in this alone. Again. His person, his closest ally, had moved on into some place that felt about a real as Neverland to Connor. He had moved on, he was healthy now, strong now. Evan had moved past all of his issues.

Without him.

Connor had no idea what to do without Evan there.

He tried to close his eyes, tried to will sleep to take him away, but Connor couldn’t make it come, staring at the ceiling, trying to understand what this meant. If there was even a chance that Evan would still want him when he realized that Connor was going to be broken like this forever.

Of course there wasn’t.

Of course, Evan was a good person. He wouldn’t just bail out of nowhere and he’d be so kind about it and drag it out forever because he wouldn’t want to hurt Connor and just.

Connor felt like his stomach had plummeted fifty feet then. Because he realized what needed to happen.

His whole body flooded with hurt and shame then, and without warning a tear slipped hot and embarrassing down the side of his face.

He wasn’t ready to lose this.

He wasn’t _ready_.

He’d always known, eventually, deep down, that there was no way that Evan would want to stick this out forever, but he had hoped…

He’d hoped for more time.

Not for the first time, Connor wished he had just stepped off the ledge of the water tower last year.

In his sleep, Evan sighed and pulled Connor in closer.

He had to strangle a sob.

He shoved the collar of the t-shirt Evan had lent him into his mouth to make sure that he didn’t make a sound.

He was going to lose Evan.

Hell, he’d probably already lost him because he was so fucked up, so broken. He didn’t belong here, didn’t deserve this kindness, this boy who he loved so much.

His chest ached, his stomach hollow, his bones burning and another hot tear escaped down his face, pooling wet and uncomfortable in his ear. Fuck. _Fuck_. He had to be the bigger person here, he had to do rip off the bandaid before he hurt Evan anymore, he had to…

“Connor?”

Evan’s eyes practically glowed in the dark when he looked over at them.

“Hm?”

“Everything alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry… just can’t sleep.”

“You’re shaking.”

“Oh. Sorry, probably just cold.”

Evan nodded, smiling sleepily. “I can try to warm you up?”

“Just go back to sleep.”

Evan rolled his eyes, but then he turned onto his side and pulled Connor’s back against his chest. Connor felt him press a kiss to the back of his head, and his seams all seemed to unravel just a bit. A small, strangled noise escaped him and another set of tears forced themselves out his tightly shut eyes.

“Hey, hey, what’s going on?” Evan’s voice in his ear was so warm, so calm and comforting, and Connor felt himself shudder in a desperate attempt to lock all of these feeling back down where they couldn’t hurt anyone. Evan’s hand stroked his arm, his head rested on Connor’s shoulder, and it took a second but then it all… Froze over. Stopped. No more tears, no more shaking, just a dull hollowness in his core. Connor hastily wiped his eyes with the collar of his shirt.

“Sorry I just. Sorry.”

“What’s going on? It’s okay, you can tell me.”

Connor just forced a half smile in the dark. “Just. Had a second where I freaked out. It’s okay. I’m okay.”

“You’re sure?”

Connor kissed the top of Evan’s head, and then he did something he swore he wouldn’t do.

He lied.

“Yeah. I’m sure.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Allison Weiss's "Try To Understand."


End file.
